Grandma.

“Let life happen to you. Life is always in the right.” – Rainer Maria Rilte

Life is jam-packed of greed and sorrow, mourning and regret, should haves, would haves, and an infinite amount of could haves. It is entirely unfair, and sometimes it is downright mean. Life is not easy. Life is usually unbearable. But it is the essence of living, so it is worth the struggle. We find motivation to reach through all the negativity. The journey is something of value, and our human nature is to continue to fight through all the hardships to break through to the other side, where it must be nothing but a wonderland, it must be just like Heaven.

This is how your story goes: Somehow, throughout the black rainclouds that effortlessly forces itself into your shadow, you find an ounce of happiness in a man. When he asks you to go steady with him, then shortly after, get married; you know this will be exactly the moment that allows you to cross over to your own wonderland. You have found someone to love, so much that you can’t breathe without him next to you. You’ve sought out someone to grow old with… to love and cherish, through sickness and through health. And that person gives you someone else that you can’t breathe without, and you promise her that you’ll never let go. And you raise her to the best of your ability, and you keep your fingers crossed that she’ll turn out alright, even after all of her own black clouds that have effortlessly forced their way into her shadow. Then she is in love, and you proudly hold the first grandchild in your arms, promising her, now, you’ll never let go. And suddenly, the whirlwind of loss barges into your shadow again, as you choke up something along the lines of, “Goodbye love. See you soon, love.” And you curse anything in your path because you were severed the opportunity of growing old with him. Then the second and final grandbaby comes along, and your hatred of loss is muted, as you promise yet another that you’ll never let go.

And somehow along the way, you realize that you don’t need to find your wonderland, because the wonderland found you. You are just fine in the state you are in, but as they always must, the tide crashes into the shore, and your effortless cloud is back again. And then, you are gone. And we’ll be fine. And you will finally get that opportunity to grow old with him, and we will never let go. We are here, and our lives will go on, and we will see you again soon enough.

“Somebody told me that this is the place, where everything’s better, and everything’s safe.”

Grandma, we know you are looking down on us and shooing away those seemingly effortless black clouds. When we find love and when we merge into our own wonderlands, we will know that it is because of your love and promises that we are as far as we have come. You are forever in my heart, and as you are anointed into exactly the place that has held a spot for you next to your love, know that we are so proud of the love you have in your heart for us… and it is precisely what will get us through the rest of our lives.

Saw You Later

I don't even remember the good times, the bad ones hover over and make them so dark, so dark that I don't even want to. What used to be a shiver of a sense of completion has now turned into a cold bone-aching paralyze of nothing but your mean aura. A song that once reminded me of you for the love and friendship sworn on life and death now feels like a foreign language from a radio station I've never discovered. Everything about my new old city somehow has intertwined your ghost into my life again, but this time I need your haunt to disappear from my mind, from my eyes, and from my everyday presence. Every little ounce of life here has been cursed with the good you used to be.

I blame you for all of my insecurity, and for all of yours. I despise myself for ever giving you, of all people, the time of my precious days. There are far too many days within seven years, far too many for you. And I pass our corner almost daily, and I can't even remember why we would have ever chosen that spot to meet every single time.

Found: In My Journal From: On The Plane

Here are a few unedited entries that I wrote down on paper (!!!!) while I was flying across the country for the last time.

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1/3/11
The last leg of the last leg of California. For me, California was nothing but a destination; an extreme temporary environment where only the climate was desirable. I moved to LA with nothing but a bandana full of dreams tied to my ever-so-juvenile s'more stick. Upon my arrival, I couldn't imagine having a dream anywhere else, so I kept at it - thinking the place was going to give me what I deserve. How quickly was I forgotton - thrown into the enchanted forest, never to be seen alive again, as I once had been. LA had me thinking that rejection was just a way of life, that I had no choice but to live in agony and despair because once I did get that job that stuck, once I found something that's worth sticking around for, it would all be worth it in the end.

I have seen many friends in Lost Angeles enter the dark side, looking for youth, fulfillment, and prosperity. I have found those friends curled up on the side of Sunset Boulevard, unsure what day it is. LA really does chew you up and spit you out, harder than I ever thought a city could.

When I accepted my "entry level" 45k, full benefits position in New York recently, I didn't even bat my eyelashes. It's okay that I'm spending two thousand dollars this week to move across the country, again. I'm coming home and I'm pretty fucking thrilled. They say you can't take the New York out of the girl, that's as true as your attempt to remove the greed and desire out of disgusting Angelinos.

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1/3/11

I am turning the page. I am letting go of all our time together. I knew we were over with that look in your eyes. You know, you were always a coward, uncomfortable with yourself, and naturally taking it out on anyone who would believe you. I'm not your believer anymore, finally. For the sake of me, I'm moving on, to the sunniest city of my world, to my first and only true, true love. A lot of things remind me of what you used to be, in New York City. But I am turning that page, I'm closing you out of our door, and I'm never looking back. Because more than my best friend ever, you brought out my worst. I am not negative, I am not insecure, yet I'm nothing more than an ugly unaccomplished soul in your eyes. Well, I've got news for you: For your eyes only. You go rain on someone else's parade, you go follow someone else with your constant black cloud, because I am completely and thoroughly through with you -- by hell or high water, I'm through. I'm going all the way up and you are no longer invited to join me.

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1/3/11

They are contained to a whisper, are they really together again? And so we soar, and it's lonely at the top - you know that. I don't know much, but I know I am so desperately in disgust with myself over you.

My First, My Last, My Everything

And so, the second week is a wrap. I am en route to visit my parents for the weekend because I can, and I can't help but confirm that it feels like no time has passed. New York has always been ridiculously good to me, and it simply continues. As I walk down each snow-killed city block, to arrive at each slush lake of every corner, and as I make my daily commute into the single most undesired area of the Manhattan - at least if you're a native - I still feel connected. Each step into the cold, damp, wet anybody-else's demon-ridden misery is one of perfection.
As I venture on the Harlem Line into the winter wonderland that is Bantam, Connecticut, Barbra's "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" is on my play list, and I thoughtfully dedicate this song to Los Angeles. On the Duets album, Neil Diamond being LA, singing to me, Barbra. I certainly learned how to cry and lie in LA, and I'm learning how to tell it goodbye. I don't regret it. It was just time for me to go, before my soul was taken from me and all the good in my heart turned black.

This isn't blast LA day though, so I will end with the fact that although it had taught me evil, greed, and the proper way to be miserable, I come from the experience having more knowledge and confidence about myself and the place where I've set out to be - both personally and career. I know that I would have let life pass me by in New York had I not changed my scenery for two years, and I would have been forced to make New York my miserable place in my heart. At the time, I was starting to lack appreciation for my dear city, and my reunite with my first love, my everything, only confirms that no time at all has passed.

Why New York Needed Me Back

I'm good at what I do. Actually, I'm great. I went to what I'd like to call an inspiration boost tonight with my dear friend, Brittany. She is such a true light in my life, and what a motivation to be better! Anyway, New York is this cesspool of positive, geniuses toppled up on top of one another. There's no space in New York, so we build up.

I'm so ecstatic to be in a legitimate city, in a legitimate career, with legitimate co-workers and superiors who don't treat me like the crusty old regurgitated chewing gum on the bottom of their metallic Old Navy sandal.

In the two weeks I've been back in New York, I have met more real people who I actually want to befriend and grow closer to in the two years I lived in Los Angeles. Isn't that just crazy? I'm looking to get my finances back on track, my life overall, and then concentrate on friend making.

Living situation is wonderful. I live in the exact neighborhood I want to, am spending exactly what I want to, and living with a like-minded individual who I can relate to on so many levels. It's not awkward subleasing from her, and I just adore how comfortable we both feel around eachother.

I will now go write to my BFF in the feds and see what happens with that.

On Leaving LA, Arriving in NY

Upon entering this adorable little island, I can officially say that I am back to my old ways. I am channeling my inner rich girl, and I'm loving it. Upon leaving Los Angeles, I realize now that LA was only in my life to fully encounter all types of evil, making them manageable and familiar for later. One day, I will reunite with that type of person and know exactly how to handle it. One day, I'll laugh in the face of fears of rejection and react with a "been there, done that" attitude. I have fallen into the old habits of being okay with spending money on food and good times, having a social life and not having to worry about only having $100 to spare each month. LA certainly made me stronger, as I found myself today budgeting with lunch even though I don't have to anymore. I bought a Metrocard today for $104 and didn't care it was "so expensive."

It's all relative, because I'd rather live in an environment where I have a future, where I have money, where I am happy... even if that means spending double, it's fine since I'm making double.

Today was my first day of work. Not only do I know how to do all tasks at hand and with ease, the people there are just fabulous. I also realize that I have had to had LA in my life to see the evil in bosses. The amount of abuse I was forced to go through on the other coast is genuinely worth it at this point in my life. I am a part of a wonderful company, with a highly brilliant and courteous team who actually cares about whether or not I've had a good weekend, that I'm transitioning into the new job at ease, or that I have a question that they genuinely want to help me learn the answer to. I've got to let go all of the evil that went down in Los Angeles, because that place has made me open my eyes, and see the real in people. The reward is seeing the real in a completely different breed.

I can't wait to go to sleep to wake up and do it all over again! I'm back where I left New York - my happy, happy, happy place.

Wish I Would Have Noticed Sooner, All That Crazy in Your Eyes

Since you've last heard from me, the single most important detail was given, decided, and executed. As many of you know, I am born and bred, hailing from New York City. I relocated (but for no reason) to Los Angeles, spent a good amount of time there, apparently just wasting time.

I came home to New York for Christmas on Sunday the 19th.
On Monday, I had an interview.
On Tuesday, I had a job offer. On Tuesday, I accepted said job offer.
On Wednesday, I found an apartment.
Tomorrow, I start this job. In New York.

There's really nothing more to say other than I had to return to Los Angeles after the Christmas holiday, pack up my life, and head east with four days to spare.

I have nothing more to say other than I'm loving being back here and didn't once second guess my decision - obviously fate! :)